13 Years Later: Lessons from Grief and Living Fully
In the words of Ecclesiastes 3:1,
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Thirteen years have passed, and I find myself celebrating the beautiful life of my brother, Robert. It's a time to remember who he was, what he meant to me, and the lessons that losing him has taught me.
The Moment of Loss: I can still vividly recall that day when I received the call about Robert's passing. Grief has a way of etching memories into our souls. I was on my way to Duke's campus for the Kando study, driving through Durham with my family in the back seat. Then, the call came, asking me to pull over. Time stood still, and my life changed in an instant. My youngest brother had died in a single car accident, and a profound emptiness took hold of my heart.
Embracing Grief: Grief has a way of introducing us to our deepest pain and struggle. It's a journey that takes your breath away, changes your brain, and overwhelms you with emotions that seem too much to bear. I remember feeling like I would never get over it, but little did I know that this experience would become a catalyst for my own personal growth.
The Loving Lessons Learned from Grief:
People Enter Our Lives for a Reason: I've learned that people come into our lives for a reason, even if it's just for a season. Navigating relationships with love and kindness and being clear and kind in communication has been a transformative journey for me.
Letting Go of Control: Realizing that I'm not in control was a pivotal moment. The anxiety and worry that came with trying to control everything led to unproductive habits and robbed me of joy. It's about progress, not perfection, and embracing the journey of grace and mercy.
Emotions Are Fleeting: I've learned to embrace and understand my emotions. It's okay not to push them aside but to acknowledge them. Naming the emotion and making decisions after experiencing those feelings has been a powerful new experience.
Make Moments Count: Time is limited, and I've learned that I have the power to make each moment count, good and bad. My choices during the day directly influence the kind of night I have. Leading myself well allows me to positively influence my family, even though I can't "fix" them. I’ve been learning to just be. Be present and sit in the moments, even in the discomfort of the hard moments.
Make it Happen, You Only Live Once: Many times, fear acts as a barrier, preventing us from fully embracing the life we were meant to live. I found myself contemplating the path to becoming a Gentle Sleep Coach, initially dismissing the idea as not suitable for me. It was only after my brother's passing that I made the pivotal decision to undergo the training. It seemed a little bit crazy at the time, but little did I know that it was just the beginning of a necessary and transformative unfolding in my life.
The Power of Forgiveness: Forgiving daily is a process. While intellectual forgiveness may be easy, emotional forgiveness is the true journey of healing. Thank you Carla for helping know and understand the difference. Recognizing the depth of emotions and making decisions based on facts, not feelings, is transformative. Seeking spiritual guidance can be a significant aid in this process.
As I dove into the process of emotional forgiveness, a remarkable transformation unfolded. The panic attacks I had nightly ceased, my anxiety levels gradually subsided, and a sense of peace and freedom surrounded me. It became glaringly apparent that I had been carrying a significant burden of unforgiveness in my life without fully realizing its weight and the sleepless nights it was causing.
Seeking God's Guidance: In times of struggle, seeking a higher power can be a source of strength. Asking God to soften your heart and renew your spirit can bring about profound change. For me, God has been my unwavering anchor, providing comfort and strength in the most trying times.
Your Life Matters: This summer, I was blessed with the sweetest conversation with my nephew about his Uncle Robert. We shared stories, looked at pictures, and reminisced about the good and even the challenging times. It was a precious moment of connection and reflection. Through it all, I've come to understand that our lives matter. Even in the face of loss, we can find meaning and joy in the memories we share with our loved ones.
You Impact Others: Grief is an integral part of our life's journey, and we must navigate it while continuing to live life fully. A dear friend, Ashley, recently told me that sometimes we need to not only feel sadness but also get mad, really mad, to create positive change and see good things unfold. It's absolutely okay to get deeply angry, even with God, and to question life's course. Losing Robert marked the beginning of many new chapters in my life, and for that, I'm profoundly grateful to be his sister.
"If you are troubled by the lack of depth in your forgiveness toward others, remember: the grace to fully release people who have wounded us does not abide with us but in Christ. The closer we draw to Him, the greater power we possess over sin and our reactions to life." Francis Frangipane
The Power of Divine Grace: I, too, discovered the profound impact of divine grace in my journey of forgiveness. When faced with the enormity of my own shortcomings and mistakes, I realized that I needed Jesus to help me forgive. He not only forgives me for all the messes I've made, continue to make, and will make in my life but shows me about the power He gives us to make better choices and respond differently to life's challenges. It's a reminder that it's not just me but Him working through me, guiding my path and renewing my spirit.
Grief is a Journey of Transformation: I'm drawn to the image that beautifully captures the essence of grief—a constant presence, yet the person you evolve into changes over time. This journey offers us the opportunity to grow and transform in the process of our grief. It was during my time in the Griefshare group that I came to a profound realization—I had never truly learned about grieving. For years, I had unknowingly suppressed these emotions, falsely equating it with living. The path of embracing emotions, cultivating awareness, making mindful decisions, and continually healing has become an unexpected blessing.
To some, these lessons might resonate deeply. To others, it might sound unconventional, even crazy. I get it; it seemed just as surreal to me when I initially embarked on this path of understanding the unresolved grief in my life. There was resistance, and there was struggle. However, the pivotal moments came when I learned to ask for help, be vulnerable with others, and not only receive but also accept the support offered by those around me. Undoubtedly, these experiences have become my greatest lessons, shaping a journey of healing that I am profoundly grateful for.
As I reflect on these lessons, I'm reminded of the words of Francis Frangipane,
"Strengthen your heart for the likelihood of battle. There may be delays and resistance. Remember, those who overcome are the ones who inherit the promises of God."
Through it all, seeking God and allowing His guidance to flow through you can be a transformative force for healing and renewal.
Thank you for taking the time to read and allowing me to open up about my brother Robert and the invaluable lessons his life has taught me. I wish you all the best on your unique journey. May you consistently discover strength, love, and inspiration, embracing life to the fullest. Be blessed!
